No, seriously, there really isnt any other way to find out if you will be able to do it. The only thing you can do is have yourself better prepared for what lies ahead once you are in a long distance relationship.

To be quite honest, I believe that everybody has the potential to make a long distance relationship work. Go to a forum and ask a simple question like: Do you think you can have a long distance relationship? Id bet you that at least half the people responding would say no. Some would even try and persuade you that long distance relationships dont work. Theyve been proven wrong time after time, so I prefer not to even enter a discussion with people like that.

If you surround yourself with the negative messages from negative people all the time, you will become negative. Its probably been proven by somebody somewhere, but I dont need proof of it, it sounds like common sense and that is enough.

I would agree that some people will find it very hard to be in a long distance relationship. For others, it may be quite easy. So how do you become someone that can do a long distance relationship?

I personally think it comes down to commitment. You have to commit yourself to making a long distance relationship work. In fact, you have to commit yourself to making any relationship work. Long distance relationships arent really that different from normal relationships. The temptations and frustrations arent really bigger, theyre just different. Once you wrap your head around that concept, youre already halfway towards making a success of your long distance relationship.

Now I can rant on and on about commitment here, or I can just direct you to the article I wrote about it at www.longdistancerelationshipsecrets.com/articles.html. Look for the article called Communication, Commitment and Trust.

Read that article, and get you mindset geared towards making a long distance relationship work. Next, you will have to get your life geared towards making a long distance relationship possible.

You now have to think long distance relationship. If youre not yet in a long distance relationship, but heading towards one (maybe your partner is leaving soon to go and work somewhere else?) you have a great opportunity to start it right first time. If youre already in a long distance relationship, dont despair. Most of the things you need to do, you will probably do correctly instinctively. You need to be prepared for the quite a lot of things. This list is in no way exhaustive. Your specific situation may have a lot more variables. When heading into a long distance relationship, you should think about:

- How are you going to communicate

- How often are you going to communicate

- When are you going to see each other again

- How will you keep yourself occupied

You should sort it out beforehand. For instance, where I am now, in the bush, there are no telephone lines. There are cell phone towers, but to phone internationally with them is very expensive. Luckily we have a satellite internet connection, so we can use VOIP (skype, etc.) to communicate. What mode of communication will you use?

Set out specific times when you will be contacting each other. It helps to gives you some kind of structure in your life to hold on to, and gives you something to look forward to.

Obviously as soon as possible, but have you planned it out yet? When is it going to be? How are you going to get together? Its fun to plan out your get-togethers, and it helps you to realize youll soon be seeing each other again.

Remember, if youre new to this, you will suddenly find yourself with a lot more time on your hands. You dont want to be using that time negatively by becoming depressed about being alone. If you need to, you can even sign up for an evening class in something youve always wanted to do. Make the most out of the bad situation by making the most out of your own talents.

In conclusion, I would say you are probably right for a long distance relationship. Nobody likes them, and everybody would like to avoid them if they can, but unfortunately that isnt always an option. I suggest you go and read more of the articles at www.longdistancerelationshipsecrets.com/articles.html that cover some of the problems faced by couples in long distance relationships. Give it a shot youll be surprised to find out your own strength.

Or to put it another way, which one of the three can you take away in order to leave a triangle? Obviously, if you take out any one of them, your triangle will collapse. The same goes for a long distance relationship. It actually applies to any relationship, but Ill show you why its so crucially important in a long distance relationship.

There is no such thing as a relationship without communication. If you want one-way communication, get yourself a potted plant. Theyre also very good at one way communication. Some people even say their potted plants thrive when they talk to them. But theres very few people that would admit their plants actually talk back to them.

Communication is such a basic part of every day life, that youd think most people would be quite proficient at it. Breathing is an important part of everyday life, and most people seem to manage it quite fine, so communication should be a breeze shouldnt it? (pun not intended) Guess again! Most people dont know the first thing about communication.

What do you think is the single most common reason for marriages ending in divorce? Make your pick from the following: Infidelity (unfaithfulness), communication, violence, sexual problems, money problems, too busy lifestyle, or self-centeredness.

Apparently (I didnt verify this statistic) fully 85% of marriages that end up in the divorce court, end because of a lack of communication. Looking at the list above, you will see that communication actually plays a part in most, if not all of the other factors. Whether or not you are married or just in a serious relationship doesnt make the slightest difference here. Your relationship may not end up in a divorce court, but the reason for it breaking could be exactly the same.

Its all fine and well that you now know communication is so very important, but what good does it do you if I dont help you to communicate better? In order to help you, Im going to show you a few basics of communication. People communicate differently due to various reasons, including, but not limited to:

- maturity

- sex

- culture

- temperament

Your level of maturity is mirrored by your communication. I dont mean you should sit around and complain about the good old days like old people, I just mean that you need to (at least some times) be able to have a good heart-to-heart discussion about important issues.

I cant think how an immature person would handle a long distance relationship. If you are in a long distance relationship and you want it to work, you will have to handle it in a very mature way. This is especially important due to the fact that you are not together all the time. Your communication time is limited, so when you need to discuss serious matters, you cant just shy away from it.

So what do you do if your partner isnt mature? Well, luckily, maturity is something you can learn. People are born with a certain tendency towards maturity, but the more mature you act the more mature you will become. If your partner is serious about your relationship he will make it work. Sit down and have a mature discussion about it. This is sometimes one of those things that you just need to point out for the change to occur.

We all know men and women communicate differently, and Im not just referring to the actual topics of the conversation. Men focus more on words and technicalities, whereas women focus more on tone of voice and body language. And thats a pretty big generalization. Just remember, when youre talking to somebody of the opposite sex that that person may interpret your meaning in a completely different way than what you initially intended. Be aware of that fact, and you can save yourself a world of trouble.

This is especially important for couples that are of different backgrounds. And Im not just referring to different ethnic backgrounds. Even people from the same ethnic background, but different parts of the same country can have very different ways of communication.

You should never hide behind the fact that youre from a different culture. What I mean is: If you know certain people find certain words offensive, even though where you come from they have different meanings, it doesnt give you the right to abuse that fact. When communicating with your partner, always keep your backgrounds in consideration.

You all know those people that seemingly get offended at everything? Or what about those people who seem to offend everybody with their style? Even though its also not something to hide behind, its probably a factor of their different personalities (temperaments). Its a good idea, if youre in a serious relationship, to find out exactly what personality type both you and your partner are. It will make communication so much easier. You will suddenly understand why, for example your partner misinterprets certain things you say, or why she sometimes seems so harsh on you.

There really isnt much to say about this. When you find somebody you really love, you WILL commit to that person. If you dont, then your relationship is doomed from the start. There can be no relationship when there is no commitment. The moment an even remotely interesting third party shows up, your relationship will be down the drain if you havent committed to each other.

Commitment is something that you will have to work on. It builds heavily on the communication you have in your relationship, but also on trust. See why I say none of the three corners can be removed?

Let me just start of by saying this: Distrust is normal. Dont feel like a terrible person just because you dont always trust your partner. By the way; you thought your partner was great, so somebody else may just think the same way. But before you let trust or the lack thereof ruin your relationship, just ask yourself the following question: Why am I distrustful?

Do you have a valid reason for distrusting your partner? Really think about it for a while. If you both really love each other and are truly committed, why are you worrying? One of the main reasons to be distrustful is probably because of mass media. Weve all seen movies, TV shows or have read books where the husband/wife comes home early only to find an untrustworthy partner in bed with someone else.

Does this really happen? Unfortunately it does. Does it happen nearly as often as we are made to believe? Ive seen the Golden Gate Bridge being destroyed at least 5 times during the last 10 years. Funnily enough, its still standing; despite what Hollywood thinks should be happening. Ive also seen at least 6 different attempts by aliens to take over or destroy the planet (some more humorous than others). Ive still to see my first real alien the green tentacled type, not the illegal immigrant type.

Suffice it to say this: Trust is like respect. The more you give, the more you will get. If you really trust your partner, it will show, and you will receive the trust back. You werent planning on cheating were you? Of course not, so trust you partner to do the same.

But here, once again, the three corners of the triangle will have to work together. I firmly believe that the more you communicate, and the more openly you communicate, the more you will learn to trust each other. And the more you trust each other the more committed you will be to each other. And the more committed you are, the more you will trust each other and communicate with each other.

I can carry on like this for a few more paragraphs until you are completely dizzy, but Im certain you understand by now. If you feel you need to work on one of these points, you will have to work on all three of them.

Doesnt everybody cheat after a while?

Not everybody. Let that thought simmer in your mind for a while before you read any further.

So why do some people cheat when others dont? How can some people stay faithful, when others fall? Is it bad people that start cheating? I would like to think otherwise. If it was only bad people that started cheating, that would mean some of the people I associate with are bad people. Yes, Ill admit it. I do know people that were in long distance relationships that started cheating.

I really hate it when people tell me its all in the mind. The term is usually used in the context of great achievements. Well, I can tell you, as much as I would like to think I can, I would never win a Wimbledon Mens Final (I dont even play tennis by the way). If it was all in the mind, why did Lance Armstrong win the Tour de France 7 times in a row? Did he have great will power? More than most people, I can assure you. But my question is this: Did all those riders that came in second and third place for those 7 years have less will power? I dont think so. They also trained for years and years. Thats true will power.

So Ill give you an example of what I mean by in the mind. In 2006 I was working with a drilling crew in a rather remote part on the west coast of South Africa. The nearest town was 70 km away on a very bad gravel road. The town itself would have been called a one-horse town, had there been any horses. Consequently, there wasnt anything that could be called entertainment by your normal night life people. Even if any of us wanted to cheat, there wasnt any opportunity.

One of the drillers, lets just call him John, for anonymity, got a transfer to a different site. There he would be staying in a town. Technically, it would be even more remote than we were, but it was a mining town. In short, what it meant was this: 2000 3000 people staying in a remote area, with nothing much to do except going out to one of the 15 bars in town. Im serious: every club (tennis, bowls, etc.) has their own bar, and theres at least two non club related bars as well. Theyre not all open at the same time, but youd have your pick of at least 4-5 bars on any given night.

John was happy for the transfer, but also afraid that hell cheat on his girlfriend when he got there. As he put it: Ill get drunk, and then when I miss my girlfriend too much, there will be all these other hot chicks, and in the end, Im only human

That is the wrong frame of mind to be in. Hes admitted defeat before even being challenged. To be frank, I got the feeling he was looking forward to getting drunk and using it as an excuse to just be human.

It must be the way I was brought up, and I thank my parents for that, but thinking like that is just not an option for me. If you commit yourself to your partner, then thats it. You dont look around for trouble. And if you see trouble coming on, you make certain that you get out of the way.

For me, it was as easy as saying: I wont cheat. But thankfully, I was also always in such remote areas that there just wasnt any chance to cheat. I dont really enjoy going to bars either, so when I was stationed in some of those 15-bar mining towns, I would rather stay at home, or go and visit friends.

To somebody thats very social, saying that he should avoid going to public places would be like a jail sentence. That would make the long distance relationship even more unbearable, and would definitely lead to trouble of a different kind. So the best advice I can give you is to look out for your weak spots.

If you go out, take a friend with you. It should be somebody that you can trust to tell you when to go home. And then you should trust your friends judgement. If he tells you its time to go home, dont start getting smart and saying youre still in charge of the situation.

The next important thing is to be completely honest with your partner. Dont start saying you were watching DVDs with your friends when in actual fact you were out on the town. Once you start lying, you will have to continue telling lies to cover up for the first lie.

And yes, you should even tell your partner when somebody was flirting with you. Thats why you should have a friend with you. Your friend can then verify your account of how you didnt give in, and how youre not going to go to that bar/club again for a few weeks. Its not your fault if youre good looking, is it? If you dont have reliable witnesses, and you dont tell your partner about it straight away the story will get out and reach you partner the wrong way.

My wife once went to a friends birthday party. I was somewhere far off again (I think it was when I was in the drillers camp I mentioned before). She doesnt really like dancing at all, but she danced with three guys, and at least one of them flirted heavily with her. She batted the poor guys so hard theyll be careful who they chat up next time! She was there without a date, so obviously it looked as if she was single. Did I in any way feel threatened? Not at all! She told me about it straight away (the next day obviously, as the party ended rather late). I didnt even ask any of her friends what really happened, because I knew she was telling the truth.

I suggest you visit www.longdistancerelationshipsecrets.com/articles.html and read more of the articles there. I dont want to repeat myself in this article. You should specifically focus on two articles: How to get more openness in your relationship, and Communication, Commitment and Trust. Both these articles are vital in understanding the issue at hand.

I once told a guy to find out why exactly his girlfriend wanted to break up with him. The answer didn’t make sense to me. It’s an answer I see a lot, but it just doesn’t make sense when you think about it: “It’s just too hard for me to miss you this much”

Let’s rephrase it: “I miss you so very much that I would rather let you go and never see you again, than see you only every once in a while.”

You may think it’s a reasonable answer, but consider it using these five questions:

1. Would it really be easier?I know my way of thinking doesn’t apply to everyone else, but personally I can’t see why you would break up a relationship with someone you really love just because you’re not together. It’s tough and I should know. I’m in a long distance relationship at the moment. But isn’t it tougher to lose the love of your life?

All the times it was so hard for me I just knew I didn’t want to break up with Mari, for the simple reason that I would miss her even more when we’re no longer together. And the thought of never seeing her again, would be harder on me than the thought of only seeing her again in a few weeks/months.

So think about it clearly. Imagine your partner never being a part of your life, ever again. Do you still think breaking up is a good idea?

2. What would happen to you?Of course you will go on with your life, but will you really? Just think for a moment: If you broke up, do you think you will find someone else that you love nearly as much? Do you think you will find the same happiness with someone else?

First consider what you have in your partner, before you answer this question. In our case it was a complete no-brainer. There was absolutely no way that we would break our relationship. We were (and are) meant for each other.

3. What will happen to your partner?Don’t tell me you don’t care. You wouldn’t be reading this article if you didn’t care about what happened to your relationship, and per extension your partner. Can you stand the though of your partner in the arms of another? The mere thought of Mari being in a relationship with someone else made my blood boil. She’s too important to me. I just knew that nobody else would care for her as much as I did (and still do).

4. How long is it still before we are together?Really count the time. It’s not as long as you think. Yes, it may even be years, but if, for example, you eventually get married, you will be together for many more years. You should use long term perspective in your relationship as well as in your personal life all the time.

As a perspective, a few years aren’t that long. If I look at pictures of old schoolmates on Facebook, they really do still look almost exactly the same, and it’s almost time for our 10 year reunion.

Clearly label the days that you will be together on a calendar, preferably a pin-up one that you can see every day and then tick off the days in between as they go by. It really helps to make the passage of time seem quicker.

5. Have we really tried everything?Have you really looked at all the alternatives? Is there no way that you can be together more often? Or even permanently? I know you sometimes have no choice whatsoever. I’ve been there more often than I would have liked. But you just work through those times and make plans for those times that you will be together again.

Distance really isn’t a good reason to end a relationship. It may be hard on you, but if you’ve found the right person, there really is no reason for you to break your relationship.

Best of luck

Leon

I received the following question:

“My relationship was going well and then it plummeted. It was a long distance relationship but it was going so well and strong for 7 months and then crashed. I would give anything to get her back and I really need some advice.”

This is just one example of countless questions I receive asking advice for basically the same problem. So how do you fix a relationship that has gone bad?

Go for the 6-point checklist

1. Go visitIf you really would do anything, I suggest you start by going to see your partner and try and work things out. Long distance relationships are hard, but don’t let anybody ever tell you they can’t work out. My girlfriend/wife and I were in a long distance relationship for more than three years, and we’re in one again. It sucks big time, but it’s definitely still worth it.

If there really are problems in your relationship, it’s best to discuss it in person. Phone calls, Skype, webcams, etc. are all great resources that you can use to communicate, but real problems need real people to sort them out. Not people on computer screens or voices on the other side of telephones. This is not to say you can’t work it out over the distance, so don’t just give up yet. It’s just easier in person.

2. Do some diggingFind out exactly what led to the (possible) breakup. Dig deep. If it’s something one of you said, dig deeper still and find out what led to that being said. I would assume that you are not an inherently bad person, so if you said something bad, there must have been a reason for you to say it.

Don’t stop digging once you’ve reached what looks like an answer. Maybe there’s an even deeper level, something that happened a long time ago. And quite possibly, that something was a complete misunderstanding. It’s happened to us a lot, and I don’t think we’re unique in that way.

3. Be brutally honestYou have to be brutally honest, both with yourself, and with your partner. Your digging will lead to some things you wouldn’t want to know, both about yourself and your partner. You should be prepared for it. This is not the time for mud slinging. This is the time to be a couple. Couples stand together through everything and help each other. You need to admit to the things you find.

4. Admit your mistakesAdmit those mistakes that you’ve uncovered. Admitting mistakes isn’t saying: “I was brought up this way, I can’t change…” Admitting your mistakes means finding out what you’ve been doing wrong so far and actively doing something about it. This is where your partnership will be instrumental. You have work together with each other to come out better as a team on the other side. But don’t stop at your partner. You should also use the help of friends and family. They may be even more brutally honest with you than your partner.

5. What are your plans?Does your partner know that you have long term plans for your relationship? You do have long term plans don’t you? Like maybe getting married eventually? If you’re serious about making this relationship work, I would assume it’s because you feel that there is a possibility of a long term relationship. Maybe if your partner knows that’s the way you really feel you will get renewed energy and a renewed sense of direction in your relationship.

Seriously, I’ll never tell you when to break a relationship. Only you can ever tell yourself that. But if you don’t see a long term goal for your relationship, a long distance relationship is not your best option. Long distance relationships are harder work than normal relationships, so you have to have something to work for. In our case, as with many others, it was and is definitely worth it, no matter the distance, and no matter how long we are apart.

6. Make some sacrificesYou will have to make some sacrifices in your relationship, but weigh it up against the rewards, and eventually it’s no sacrifice at all. As an example, I spent a lot of money during the course of our long distance relationship in order to visit Mari often enough. But I never saw our relationship in terms of a monetary value. What I got in return is something that no amount of money can ever buy.

Maybe your sacrifice is something else. Maybe you just need to spend less time doing something else you want to do, and spend more time on the phone with your partner. Or maybe you should take the plunge and look for a job closer to your partner. Even if it may mean that you will have to work for a lower salary.

Never just give up on your relationship without a fight (for the relationship that is, not a fight in the relationship). Every relationship goes through a bit of a rough patch from time to time. Long distance relationships are no different.

Best of luck

Leon

If you’re both well-off and in successful careers, then the question becomes irrelevant, but what happens when, e.g. one partner is still studying while the other one is working. Or one partner is in a high paying job, and the other is in a lower paid job. Plane tickets, etc. will cost the same both ways, so it doesn’t have to do with which partner goes to visit which.

Let’s take the scenarios one at a time.

Both highly paid I don’t really see a problem there. If you sort of go 50/50 with your expenses, then there’s no need to worry. Money really isn’t that important at all.

Both underpaid or studying If you’re both in equally tough situations, then you should probably still help each other out by going 50/50. It’s up to you to decide which partner will be traveling, etc. but it doesn’t really make a difference does it? If your partner comes to visit you, you also gain from it, therefore you’re equal.

One partner is paid less, or still studying This is the situation my wife and I were in, even before we were married. I went to work straight after leaving university. She still stayed on for another 3 years, the last year of which we were married. After getting married, obviously our expenses were all shared, so the last year can be ruled out.

In our case, it was a no-brainer. I went to visit her as often as I could, and gladly paid for my own traveling expenses, or when she came to visit me, I paid for her expenses. I often joke with my wife by saying I could have been a much wealthier person if it wasn’t for the long distance relationship. Now why do you think I did that? (pay the expenses, not make the joke). Long before we were engaged, we knew that we were going to get married eventually, so my money was her money was my money anyway.

She couldn’t pay, because she just didn’t have the money. She could of course pay out of her student loan, but that would have been silly. Once we got married, we started paying off her student loans together, so if she paid out of her student loans, it would have been our money anyway – plus interest.

Where is your relationship going? So what advice can I actually give you? I suggest taking a look at the article Is my partner worth it on thearticles page on my website (links below). If you feel that you are definitely going to get married and that it’s just a matter of time, you should consider sharing your expenses in a way that is mutually beneficial.

So what if you’re not convinced that you’re going to get married? Well, you can’t just decide to get married instantly. That would be irresponsible, as there are certain character traits that do only come up after you’ve been in a relationship for a while. In that case, I suggest first focusing on your relationship itself before you start worrying about the financial side of it.

Best of luck

Leon